Result:  Cainers ease to victory

Scores:  Alts 1o6 all out    Cainers 108 for 3   Win for Cainers by 7 wickets

 

Hurri-cained

“Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum,

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come”.

 

So wrote W H Auden as he mourned the loss of a dear friend. Whilst I do not doubt the poet’s unhappiness, I feel he sadly fails to convey the true loss felt by every Alternatives’ player when the Caners win this coveted fixture.

 

Hurri-caine conditions blew across a desolate and unforgiving Wish Park

 

Alas, this year the pain was experienced again. In truth, it was at its greatest as this year’s contest included the inauguration of the splendid Robertson Cup. This magnificent cup is a celebration of Our Glorious Leader’s seismic contribution to the club’s history. Rightfully and morally, the trophy belongs to the noble Alternatives and should never be handled by the despotic Caners. Regrettably, the world was turned on its head last Saturday.

The game was played on a very blustery Wish Park. Caners won the toss and elected to field. After a brisk start, the Alternatives steadily lost wickets and slipped to 52-4. The middle-order of Bell and Bodie looked to consolidate. Scoring freely was difficult against accurate bowling in the gusty wind. A steady partnership followed but then the Caners took vital wickets as both batsmen tried to accelerate. With the loss of Bell (22) and Bodie (18), the Alternatives score was struggling at 97-6 after 27 overs. A final flourish was desperately needed from the lower order to get to a competitive total.

Unfortunately, the Caners’ skipper’s leg-spin skittled out the Alternatives’ tail. The last four wickets fell in quick succession leaving a below par total of 108 all out.

Tea-break followed. Mellowship and skipper, Boden, provided scones with clotted cream and jam in a desperate attempt to revive flagging spirits. Within the heated discussions of whether the jam or cream should be on top of the scone, everyone agreed early wickets would be crucial for an Alternatives’ fight back.

Opening bowlers, Clarke and Spink, gave everything to the cause. Clarke bowled a corker yorker to dislodge one of the openers to grab an early wicket. But, all credit to the Caners’ batsmen, who repelled the determined barrage with disciplined, classy innings. Boden bowled his main attack into the ground, but their heroic efforts could not break the partnership.

The fielding was enthusiastic however no chances were given. Thompson once again showed off his footballing talents to any late-season Premiership scouts wandering Wish Park with their dogs. Doubters questioned whether he needed to use his graceful foot-slide to stop the cricket ball and cynically referred to him as the ‘Unnecessary Messi’, but most spectators revelled in his footballing exhibition.

Goodwin and Mellowship snatched late wickets but the game was up. (I do not need to provide any further details of the wicket taken by Mellowship as he already took it upon himself to individually tell most people in Hove inflated stories of his ball of the century however it was a splendid clean bowling of the Caners’ star batsman).

As befits this keenly contested fixture, there was controversy at the end. Thompson claimed to have the Caners’ skipper out caught behind. Furthermore, the umpire appeared to agree by lifting his index finger. Unfortunately, the Caners’ skipper disagreed with this version of events and introduced a new concept to cricket: the wicket amnesty. Similar to a ‘Get Out Of Jail Card’, the amnesty can be used once by a batsman on any ball and prevents him from being given out by the umpire if he disagrees with the decision. It’s a controversial development being tried for the first time in this fixture and may have to be kept under review as it proved unpopular.

The Caners completed a well-deserved victory, winning by 7 wickets after only 22 overs. On reflection, the Caners bowled, fielded and batted better than the Alternatives…but this commentator solemnly believes we won the tea-break.

the carnage continued in the George Payne.

 

WARNING: PAINFUL IMAGE BELOW

 

 

 Look long and hard at this image – Our captain Boden being goaded by the Cainer captain.
This must be out motivation for next year – we will return better and stronger.

 

 

AND FINALLY – MISSING PLAYER ALERT

Has anyone actually seen Ollie since last Saturday night, he was last seen being bundled into a Cainer taxi.

This one image was posted late into the night that seem to suggest Ollie was entrapped within the odious Cainer captain’s man-cave!

If anyone has any further updates on his whereabouts please let us know

 

ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE

During the carnage of the Saturday night, last seasons “Player of the year” (Nigel – lest anyone forget) was left partially sighted after mis-placing his glasses somewhere in the pub. After endless searches and a large quantity of Brewdog beer, he staggered off in the direction of his house to report the disastrous news to his very unimpressed good laydee wife!!

However after some fine detective work from Poirot Nutbeam, it turns out that Eric from the oppo had picked up our “player of the season’s” glasses my mistake. And he was reunited with them Monday night.

It was only later discovered by our “player of the season” (2017 and 2018), that Eric had scratched a message onto the glasses, that will remind him every single time he wears them of this years result!!

Re-united with his slightly customised glasses

 

 

SCORECARD

 

The Alternatives CC: 108 all out

Batting

Chappell: Caught 11

Green: Caught 10

Mellowship: Caught 4

Spink: Caught 10

Bell: Caught 22

Bodie: Bowled 18

Boden: Not Out 6

Thompson: Caught 0

Stenner: Bowled 0

Clarke: Bowled 1

Goodwin: Bowled 3

 

The Caners: 112-3

Bowling

Clarke: 7-2-30-1

Spink: 7-0-22-0

Stenner: 3-0-33-0

Goodwin: 3-0-15-1

Mellowship: 1-0-1-1

Thompson: 0.5-0-4-0

 

Catches: Chappell (1)