Result:  match lost

Scores:  Alts 237 for 1    Hurst 238 for 8

 

Glorious century for Green, but Alts still suffer agonising defeat

 

Cricket, as Henri Bergson once implied, is a machine for the making of Gods. At Hurstpierpoint on July 22 2018, Nigel Green strode like a Collosus into the Pantheon.

On a hot July afternoon, the Alts convoy crossed the sun-scorched Sussex Downs headed for Hurstpierpoint, full of hope. In the (noted) absence of the great Jon Boden, Nigel Green won the toss and took the largely unexplored path of batting first. In part, no doubt, this irregular choice was inspired by the knowledge that the Olliff’s were suffering from a time-management ailment. But this match-report writer cannot help speculating that another motive – with 40 overs to play per side – was an inkling already dawning in Green’s mind of the innings that was to come.

Chappers and the Green machine took to the crease at two o’clock looking for all the world like men who meant to stay. There were none of the opening fireworks recently inflicted upon Headstone St George at Wish Park, but a steady stream of runs that kept flowing regardless of whatever Hurst could throw at them, from youthful speed-bowling to elderly spin through middle aged medium pace.

As Green secured his 50 at around the 20 overs point (with Chappers some way behind), Spink and Nutbean could be seen twiddling at their pad straps like two spare Richards at wedding! Would they ever be needed?

 

After this phase of relative caution – just, indeed, at the moment when, on the touch line, Mel P started to chirp a little about the run-rate – Green began to open up his body and to indulge in some attractive and fruitful stroke play. As the chants of ‘Green Arrrrmy’ reverberated through the baking heat, Green accelerated whilst Chappers remained impassive and even imperious.

 

Before we knew what was happening, a hush rose around the spectators as the scorers announced that Green had reached the point that no Alternative had ever crossed before him: 98. Should a signal be sent to the Captain? Would such a course of action unnerve him as he squared up to this unforgiving rubicon? We need never have feared. He faced, he flurried, and ball flashed from bat like a large red rolling conker. Nigel Green had scored a century, and for a moment, time itself stood still.

 

 

And that is not all. Spurred by The Machine, Chappers too began to strike boundaries with vigour, reaching his 50 with a glorious six, struck from off far from incompetent bowling. Things were looking good for the Alternatives, although the two Richards remained caught in that strangely itchy predicament of celebrating the most triumphant opening partnership in Alternatives history, whilst secretly hoping for a swipe at the cherry for themselves. Spinkster’s time finally came when, at the magnificent total of 127 runs, Green erred and looped a catch back to the bowler. He was out, but he had won immortality.

 

With the remaining handful of overs, Richard Spink went on to make a helpful 17 not out. David Chappell, continuing his excellent season, ended with a healthy 68 not out, leaving the Alts at 237 for 1. The Alternatives were smiling as brightly as the sun was shining. How could we possibly know that the bowler who claimed this 1 scalp – a certain Lee Cramp – would be destined to wipe those smiles away.

The Alternatives were confident as they took to the field with bellies full of quiche, cake and mini-sausage rolls. Enjoying the poetry of their combined names, Green had ordered Stenner and Henners to open the bowling, with instructions to keep it tight. Stenner was to bowl up the hill and into the wind, and Richard Nutbeam had whispered intelligence to the effect that the opening batsman was famed for his rapid scoring for Hurst seconds. True to this reputation, the first ball was promptly swiped away for four. But, unperturbed, Stenner proceeded to clean bowl him with the second ball. The Alts were off on the right foot.

Thankyou to Profesor Stenner for his words on this guest match report

 

MATCH AUTHOR FROM THIS POINT ON: GREEN

A second wicket followed shortly as Stenner forced another Hurst batsmen to play an errant defensive shot. With Young Henners flying in down the hill bowling a controlled yet fiery set, things were looking good for The Mighty Alts.

Hurst dug in for a while, and with Spinkers now bowling metronomic line and length two more of their batsmen were soon back in the hutch. Things were looking good for an early finish, a beer in the sunshine then home to watch the end of the golf – happy days!

Not so!!! At this point enter Lee Cramp – Hurst’s version our good friend Tristan from Suffolk. No further description needed. Other than to add Cramp usually plays his cricket at a high league level for Firle. He dug in for an over and then……. and then…..

 

 

Well in the next period of play we saw a battle royale, a grudge o’ grudges, a galactic feud. Our very own mild mannered Spinkers became embroiled in a titanic battle with the said Cramp. Having been dispatched to the boundary for four Spinkers muttered something (to himself I might add) about the quality (or lack) of Cramp’s batsmanship.

Unfortunately the said Cramp overheard this and seemed less than pleased.

The game entered a new and disturbing phase, the ball started to be hoiked to all corners of the ground. Eventually ALL our fielders, barr Ivan (our heroic wicketkeeper for the day) were spread around the boundary rope. And yet the ball kept flying high over our heads at very high velocity!! There was not much that could be done. Very soon he was refusing to run singles and was only dealing in 4 and 6s.

Spinkers was by this time raging and his run up was getting longer and longer. There was a lot of chuntering, grunting and exasperation from Spinkers. Who knows what they were chuntering to each other as they kept meeting in the middle of the wicket, but one has to presume it wasn’t to discuss the latest developments on Love Island !!!

Even Arkwright was taking some punishment, although he did eventually stem the flow. Our glorious Captain was in a spin, who to turn to, how to stem the flow, the wheels were coming off. Not only did he have to somehow remove the brutal Cramp from the crease, but he was now getting some very sound and constructive advice from Mellowship, chirping away from the boundary!!! “You don’t want to be doing that….you want to be doing this”.

 

This was job for Bowling Scrooge, oh yes Olliff Senior (the Danonator)!!
Dan then put in a sterling set of overs, drying up the run rate and causing their batsmen to play with caution. However by this time they were fast approaching our total. We needed wickets and we needed to remove Cramp!! If we could remove him one felt there was not much batting left. Cometh the hour cometh The Dicken!!

Dicken having already had a fine afternoon in the field, saving numerous runs on the square leg boundary got the breakthrough and Cramp was forced into skying one high up into the Hurst sky. It was only a half chance, but underneath was our man Spinkers – there was no way that he was going to let this one go to ground!! and with a lunging dive forward he took a brilliant catch to remove his nemesis Cramp!!

In a final throw of the dice, it was time for an all-out Olliff attack. Dan at one end and Henners at the other, one further wicket fell, but they were by this time to close to our target and with plenty of overs to spare reached got over the line with two wickets to spare. A gallant effort from everyone, particularly our bowling attack who took much punishment on a very dry pitch. And a special mention to our wicket keeper Ivan, who had the ball flying at him in all directions on the dry and unpredictable wicket. I imagine he now knows what it must be like to be a coconut at the fairground coconut shy!!

And as we enjoyed a cold beer in the last embers of a glorious sunny afternoon and to reflect on proceeding, it was left to the ever chirping Mellowship to point out that we were 30 runs short!!